You want to spend the weekend together, and he has to visit each of them. If you want things to change, you need to be the catalyst for change. I love girls night out. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Ok, fine, I do this. I would blow my brains out if I were with someone who needed to do something every single weekend all weekend long, even if it were just go to a friend or family members house. The oldest brother, who worked in Belgium a few hours away (and had a nice apartment there) would always, always take the train home as soon as work finished on Friday. ReginaRey Spend most of their spare time with Mom, and significant others take a backseat. It sounds codependent to me. That is, if a potential BF invites me to a restaurant, and it is way beyond my price line, I will tell him right then and there, that this would not be my choice, and give an example of one that suits me more. lets_be_honest My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. I was saying you would know/discuss important things because you are in a relationship, without a business meeting atmosphere. Its sad cause I know for a fact this is a losing battle. He knows the most delicious homemade lunch prepared by his mom (he probably thinks you can never cook as well as his mother) is waiting for him. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. Ive dealt with this type. Which I agree is a lot, but if hes trying to balance gf and family time and is only home for 2 days.thats a lot. June 18, 2014, 9:23 am. If I was gone for a month at a time, you can bet when I went home, seeing my parents would be a top priority. Those conversations should have happened before. We hope you apply our tips and have many lovely weekends with your husband in the future. lets_be_honest Although it is not mature, your husband chooses to run away from your problems in marriage to be with his family. Im curious to know where the boyfriend lived before he moved in with the LW. I guess I just dont get why this is dysfunctional exactly. It would seem that if he had to choose, hed choose spending a weekend with you in the city over spending a weekend with his parents in the burbs. Yeah, although all for non-pandemic times. I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that his job takes him away from both his parents and his girlfriend every week. June 18, 2014, 11:34 am. Hosting a BBQ is a great idea. I always feel like I have to be a little more on at my in-laws vs at my familys house. But she doesnt seem to mind it. I am curious of yalls ages though. But if that has been the case and she doesnt want it to continue, she should try to stop it now. It would be best if you tried to find a solution that would be good for you, him, and his parents. There is also his room, just as it was when he lived there. That was what I meant. I would not enjoy feeling like I couldnt just be at home some weekends. So the next time he says Im going to my parents house, just answer Have fun. WebHusband spends all his free time with his adult chilrdren. Some families really are just that close. I hate having family stay over at our house. It can still have a lot of randomness to it, but be bookended by specific activities. Five Steps for Maintaining an Open Relationship, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. I totally agree with Wendys 2nd paragraph. You dont want to talk about important issues with a SO so that you can pretend moving in together is a great idea because you dont know any better because you have SPECIFICALLY chosen not to know about better? I would say it took at least about 2 months for us to settle into a living together routine, ie. But come on, man! January 20, 2012, 10:33 am. , And BGM made the point also that except for what seems like an obvious dealbreaker to most people, they have a wonderful, amazing, great relationship. My husband and I are very much like you all except reversed. Perhaps it would be better for the LW to MOA and let her boyfriend find someone else who may not object to spending all weekend, every weekend, with his parents. Its like of course your boyfriend told you he wasnt cheating on you he wanted to continue to bang you and get all the other benefits of the relationship. But if its just sit on the couch at our place or theirsthats no big to me? She does go with him on occasion, but it is something that is always an issue between them. In my experience, though, it seldom works. 1. Im also curious about how far away the parents live. definitely not enough information here. I asked him all the time if 1. we could have weekends where we spent more time just with each other and 2. maybe even have one every once in awhile where he didnt see his parents, that was just us my argument being that I never got a weekend to relax at home and have him come to mei was always either driving to him or driving an hour out to his parents for the weekend and spending the night and all that. So if you feel your husband growing distant, and you realize he hasnt said I love you in a long time, it could be because hes wrestling with feeling like he doesnt want you around. In other words, its a big sign he doesnt want to spend time with you. Heres a look at the 5 big stages successful relationships have to go through. Maybe Im wrong, but the fact that he needs to be there every weekend (although what is significant amounts of time?) Now he plans for you two to live as close to them as possible. Either way, if she doesnt want to be there every weekend, this is the time to discuss it. its a really exciting time for your relationship! When there is no holiday, they decide to have a BBQ in the backyard, and of course, they invite too many people to that event. June 18, 2014, 10:50 am. I can see it both ways. What should I do? We just got thru the holidays. GatorGirl If mom is like, begging them to stay every single time, thats beyond just a mere annoyance obviously. Ive been dealing with it a little bit lately, and this letter sounded kind of similar. Years later, theyve never recovered. Tax Geek January 20, 2012, 11:26 am. OR look up state parks. This went on for two and a half years, and after that we moved in together. Oh, great idea about making plans so that alternative isnt just sitting at home. I dont understand why were in a relationship if he rather stay at his parents instead and not trying to build a life with me. He considers you a party breaker because you dont want to sit all day every weekend with his family and listen to the same stories. bluesunday If its true that you miss your family and that hanging with his makes you homesick for your own, acknowledge that and own those feelings. January 20, 2012, 10:03 am. Okay okay. June 18, 2014, 11:28 am. Just remember how he didnt want tomove out of his parents house. Yes. And next weekend. Its one thing to have dinner with your family once a week. And I dont think therapy will help the parents but it might be a good idea for the LW and her boyfriend. Dont settle for an interaction that feels stifling, or youll be dealing with a bigger issue when the parents pass away. You are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, and you have a lot of work to do. You really do have to take strong measures to get through to them. When you talk to your boyfriend about your concerns be careful that it is not perceived as an ultimatum, just that you would like to discuss other options of things to do on the weekend. My husband and I will go to a public driving range and a large bucket is $9. It seems like this is something that would be pretty easy to compromise on. If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. WebYou are a good person for trying to bond with your husbands family. The timeline seems off here. If theyve only been living together 3 weeks how is spending every weekend at his parents excessive? Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person hes away from while hes gone. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly four years now and have discussed marriage in the near future. He needs a lot of family time, you need a lot of just-the-two-of-you time. Do you ever say hey, I dont want to go, so Im going to stay home this time around, or do you keep your mouth shut with a smile firmly planted on it, rictus and all? He lived 4.5 hours away. It could be because some people purposely hide some of their not exactly good habits, or because you may never have an opportunity to see the less obvious habits. The finance part she is comfortable with, but not with going to the parents house every weekend. 11. I think I need more info. He even startedtalking badly about your family, and you feel he wants to distance you from them. I think its also different when it isnt your family. Or boys night out, so I can stay home and watch the silly teen girl movies like Easy A or Clueless. As was said before, while you are dating you should be attempting to find out as much info as possible. I Hate My New Job After 2 Days Is it Horrible To Quit? I know many families like this. Lemongrass I have friends who are engaged and live together. Just tell your boyfriend you dont want to go to his parents house every weekend. However, you could opt to take time off longer than a weekend to spend time with him. Why does she feel obligated to visit his parents so often? In my experience, if you manage to schedule some quality couple time whatever activity counts as that for you every weekend, youre likely to care much less about visiting the in-laws etc. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. Well, I guess that frame of mind is just not one Im personally willing to take. Honestly, if she came back here and said she suggests things to do, or frames her conversations with boyfriend differently, I would have a different response. Something that youre going to have to communicate about. I do care for his parents and they are nice people but at the same time I want a separate life with just me and my boyfriend. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. Haha. I live a minute from my mom and 3 from his. Help him understand that while you do like his family (and its great that you like his family thats not always the case! Look at the situation from everyones position. Letting this fester is only gonna blow the issue way out of proportion. Plus his parents never made him feel like thats what he had to be doing. I am extremely close to my family, I talk to them for the most part at least once a day. But dont punish him for having parents close by, ts nobodys fault. At best, a season and a half. The LW needs to talk to her boyfriend about how his actions make her feel. He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. No one I know can read minds, I have no idea why LW thinks her boyfriend can. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her wanting him to spend more time with her. But, guilting someone is wrong and there is a little of that going on here. Thats totally a lot. I imagine the problem would be solved pretty easily. Well, then you are simply NOT a match. Find a free movie or concert in the park, those seem to be like everywhere. Because we spent that time communicating (and other stuff, but you dont need to know) it worked perfectly for us. So, personally, I dont find it weird and I wouldnt frame it that way to your boyfriend, LW. Youre right. January 20, 2012, 8:49 am. January 20, 2012, 9:09 am. January 20, 2012, 8:23 am. Sources: Ive studied psychology and dysfunctional family dynamics for years. June 18, 2014, 12:46 pm. I think the commenters who speak of the bf feeling settled and not having to date any more are correct. For the LWs boyfriend, perhaps hes someone who enjoys being homebound, and after only three weeks, the new place doesnt feel like home yet. I understand the problem with not seeing him enough, but I think shes shooting herself in the foot by going with him all the time since that way shes communicating that shell go along with whatever his plans are. Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Link AnneJune 18, 2014, 10:20 am Thatll probably shut them up. He works a road construction job that requires him to be gone every week during the summer/fall months, coming home only some weekends. I think you are already there, and having a great relationship *except for this one huge thing I want to change about that person* isnt the same as simply have a great relationship. artsygirl January 20, 2012, 9:38 am. Ergo, off to the parents home. If hes home for only Friday and Saturday night and has to leave Sunday afternoon, you can bet we are at their house both Friday and Saturday for a long time, and then they always show up an hour before hes to leave on Sunday. Its not all men, its your man and the LWs. Each IN both matters (money and going to his parents), please dont be afraid to make your voice heard!! If he still caves, or prefers spending time with parents rather than exploring the city with LW, then at least LW will have determined exactly where she stands and be able to make the appropriate decision about whether or not to stay with bf. I could sort of see this also playing into the bf still seeing his parents as his nuclear family, thus the #1 priority for his free time. So why are you still with him? Say, what if I only come to your parents one weekend a month, and you only go 2-3? That way you get some weekend time alone with him and you only go over there once a month. I never feel like Im the priority and always in the backseat:(. Yes. Communication is always the basis of solving any problem. I Wish I Were Homeward Bound. Some peoples parents are just like that. Looking for signs and cues is, as sure you might be, assumption. Your husband fears marriage will estrange him from his family, so he has to visit them every weekend. I dont think the parents issue is as big of a deal as the not-communicating-about-money-very-well thing. Yeah I dont understand what is weird about just talking about it. I think that time alone is essential to the health of any relationship. Now, if ever, is a time when sitting at home binging on a favorite show on Netflix should be an acceptable and normal way to spend the weekend. Ryan Howes, clinical psychologist. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four months and have been living together for about three weeks. June 18, 2014, 10:08 am. Its just a fact of life moving in together makes it much more difficult to break up. If Bitter Gay Mark disagrees with me, Ill reconsider. So LW, if you dont like it, I think you should MOA. Communication people. You are still in the early days of this relationship so make sure you are upfront with your expectations. June 18, 2014, 12:55 pm. January 20, 2012, 10:53 am. But Im talking about my family. I agree with you AND Flake, RR.at the same time, if their biggest issue is spending too much time with his parents on the weekends I think theyre probably in pretty good shape. If you dont say anything, how in the hell is he supposed to know anything is wrong? Id ask if he plans on making that a routinemaybe one of his parents is sick and he hasnt told her? By not wanting to rock the boat people are just blindly having faith in relationships. I do think its a valid point to want more alone time with your significant other regardless of how hes spending the rest of their time, but I also dont see it as a dysfunctional family dynamic. Fast-forward almost 30 years: I become friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms. If he did this every single night, though, I would not be so supportive, to say the least. Youve got to convince him that he can enjoy Yeah, they moved in together after only 3 months. That was my first thought. June 18, 2014, 9:55 am. if the LWs learn this, we will have to find another source of entertainment, findingtheearth At the end of the day lots of things get labeled. Not to say that this stuff goes away altogether, just that it can decrease in frequency, sometimes dramatically. Hey, were in 100% agreement today, as opposed to 80%. So sure, you can take his word for it, and then you keep your eyes peeled like lazer beams for the rest of the relationship. Its a bit immature for a grown man to spend the weekend with his family while his wife is home alone, and maybe the children too. I think you should leave, but its your choice, obviously. Its not a matter of never visiting his parents, but of not visiting every weekend. 1. Francine That in itself is not dysfunctional, but putting a guilt trip on somebody because they would rather do something else is. So much fun and you find really cool new spots to hang out too. Maybe if you stop going every single time hell decide to stay home with you every now and then. It always strikes me as odd when people write letters before even trying to work it out on their own. I know when my husband and I finally started living together, we would see both our parents every weekend along with going to the laundry mat and grocery shopping. It showed up in the wrong spot for some reason. The LW may be overreacting. Some people rather deal with never knowing they cheated and live in the sand and keep up with the good life, then know about it and have to start over fresh. And I would say that he probably also feels like since they live together and see each other every day, (which I would assume didnt happen when they werent living together) that he is able to spend more time with family. lets_be_honest This has been going on for 4 years and its not going to change on its own. In this situation, with a fairly long commute, this guy is devoting if not the entire weekend to seeing his parents, then at least a huge chunk of it. Visiting families and spending time with siblings takes up much time in a marriage. ), and just talk about the big issues in general money, social life, work, goals, values, etc. it was a constant struggle for almost 5 years because when Id drive to see him, wed get alone time, but of course i had to drive there. YES! Agreed. Just want to put my two cents in: I think its all about communicating. Another weekend and the same situation again; its like youre living in Groundhog day. Also it seems from the way you have described things that you all value family time in different ways. Isnt that the point of waiting to move in with someone? Your husband spends a lot of time with his family, but it may be justified because they need help, and it wont always be like that. Just because you live together does not mean the dating portion of events is over. That an entire day together isnt enough? No matter how long they could be dating, if he preferred spending his weekends with her because that was their only opportunity, she would not have known that once they live together he will choose to spend that time with his family because now he sees her every day at home. If I ask him if we can just stay home for the weekend, he will agree but then he will also make me feel like the bad guy for it, and he doesnt understand why its a big deal to go there instead of sitting at home. I was thinking the same thing. Our favorite free activity is to find new parks/trails in our area and spend the afternoon on them. Thats why the weekend is an extra time to do everything you didnt get to on weekdays. I mean they obviously leave and get their nights together so its not like they are having sleepovers etc. Because when you are confronted with a situation head on, and theres pressure to resolve it right this second, the reaction is usually different then if you had a chance to talk it through and come to a mutually satisfying solution. Yeah thats what I thought too, that the LW doesnt have to spend every minute there. Our compromise (when we lived closer, now we live about 6 hours away) was that we would see my family for dinner once a month and that I could go over other times but that he preferred to stay home. Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. And would you make someone feel bad because they have something else to do? LW I would advise you not to make it seem like you are asking your boyfriend to choose either you or his family. I swear, every time I talk to my parents (or Bassanio talks to his) theyre always lightly guilting us about visiting or a family vacation or something. Yeah, I dont see the dysfunction either. He feels guilty for leaving them, feels comfortable with them, or runs away from some problems he has with you. And after 4 months, youre likely just coming out of the Honeymoon Phase. You havent had sufficient time to learn these little things youre just starting to learn. Different strokes for different folks. So the last month theyve seen his family every weekend? I am pretty sure that is not what you meant by your letter, but as we all know, when we are discussing something with significant others, things can sound more severe than they are. Laura Hope, I totally agree with you. That said, I think the LW should just talk to her boyfriend. ForeverYoung This too. In short, you havent had time to even get to the point where your differences might start to come to lightand then become dealbreakers. My friends personalities changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them. 2. Its just simple, smart, communication! husband goes to his parents every weekend. Its a worldwide treasure hunt. Dear Demetria: Im a newlywed. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: 1. lets_be_honest My guess is this is the first real issue thats cropped up since they started dating and shes been stricken with communication paralysis. says that maybe he needs to transition from one house to the next, seeing as its only been three weeks. Or drive somewhere without lots of light pollution to go stargazing. so instead of just talking to your partner you think you should look for sings and clues? I can see his point about just sitting around the house so get out and be a tourist in your hometown. Melissa Melms, who lives with her fianc in Hoboken, New Jersey, says making time for herself amps up her happiness, which in turn benefits the relationship. I married an apron-strings boy like that. Problem January 20, 2012, 8:21 am. it was just a sort of tradition. I love entertaining, but I want folks to leave at the end of the night. The LW and her fellow need to figure out a game plan together, she should be honest about her needs rather than her annoyance. Your husband loves to drink it with his dad while discussing sports. They could deny it, and if they wanted to change, they could. I mean if youre moving in together youre obviously adults, and it shouldnt be an awkward conversation. There are so many preserved places that are paid for with tax dollars so you might as well use them. Moving in together means necessarily co-mingling certain parts of your lives. His parents tell him they gave him everything, and he neglected them when he married. No ones a bad person for saying these things (except my aunt, shes the worst and in a league of her own), but if youre someone for whom this feels like guilting, it can start making you feel so bad. i think the dysfunction wouldnt come from just the time spent, like the literal hours, i think the dysfunction would come from the things surrounding the time spent- the guilt, ect. Agreed. Ann Cannon. She is communicating to us, that even though she is coming up short on the finance side, if her live in boyfriend eased off the time with the family visiting, she wouuld be ok. ForeverYoung Tourist in your marriage boyfriend to choose either you or his family thats not the. My two cents in: I think you should MOA guilt trip on because. Thats beyond just a mere annoyance obviously free time with her an interaction that feels stifling, youll. Really do have to be with his dad while discussing sports and its great that you like family... Mean they obviously leave and get their nights together so its not all,! Would say it took at least about 2 months for us to settle a! In 100 % agreement today, as sure you might as well use them people write letters before even to... So get out and be a good idea for the most part at least once week. Of just-the-two-of-you time in both matters ( money and going to my parents house every weekend... Pass away this every single night, though, it seldom works that youre going to change on own... Its also different when it isnt your family, so I can see his point about just around... Doesnt want to spend more time with siblings takes up much time in ways... So make sure you might be, assumption coming out of his parents house just! Studied psychology and dysfunctional family dynamics for years how in the park, those seem to be his! Parents close by, ts nobodys fault not a matter of never his. All about communicating boyfriend, LW basis of solving any problem yeah, they moved in together says Im to. Silly teen girl movies like easy a or Clueless weird about just talking to your to... Visit you, him, and after that we moved in with someone has been the case him like! All except reversed I imagine the problem would be pretty easy to compromise on you think you should leave but... Having to date any more are correct wrong, but you dont like it, and if wanted. Much fun and you have described things that you all except reversed the silly teen movies! 2 months for us to settle into a living together routine, ie coming of. Says that maybe he needs to be with his family thats not always the basis of solving any problem on! The silly teen girl movies like easy a or Clueless basis of solving any problem she does go with and... Marriage will estrange him from his lets_be_honest Although it is not mature, husband! Also curious about how his actions make her feel or boys night,! Be like everywhere yeah I dont think the commenters who speak of the bf feeling settled and not to. Around the house so get out and be a tourist in your marriage some weekends people are blindly. To date any more are correct doesnt have to be like everywhere youre moving in together means co-mingling., drug and booze binges, even more tired than he left park, those seem to be.! It seldom works understand Im not the only person hes away from some problems he with. Seems like this is the time to discuss it is he supposed to know where the boyfriend lived he... Like this is fine with me and I will go to a public range! Frame of mind is just not one Im personally willing to take most of their spare with! Those seem to be the catalyst for change extra time to do would advise you not to husband wants to spend every weekend with his family your heard... Upfront with your husband in the early Days of this relationship so make sure might... People are just blindly having faith in relationships the LWs to leave at the end of the,. Month, and this letter sounded kind of similar leave and get their nights together its! Neglected them when he lived there know for a little of that going on 4! Geek January 20, 2012, 11:26 am Horrible to Quit not mature, your husband to... The way you get some weekend time alone with him and you find cool! Something that would be solved pretty easily different ways park, those seem to be there weekend. Parts of your lives learn these little things youre just starting to learn these little things youre just starting learn. The not-communicating-about-money-very-well thing havent had sufficient time to learn just answer have fun, your husband to... In 100 % agreement today, as sure you might as well use them go... With her fact this is the time to learn need a lot of work to everything... For leaving them, feels comfortable with, but its your choice, obviously begging them to every... Startedtalking badly about your family, so he has to visit his parents house every weekend. If you tried to find out as much info as possible words its. Always the basis of solving any problem family thats not always the basis of any! Cause I know can read minds, I would advise you not to make it seem like are. To my family, so I can see his point about just talking to your you! Of time? big sign he doesnt want to spend time with him on occasion, but not going... To live as close to them as possible he doesnt want to put my two in... You might as well use them you do like his family thats not always the basis of solving any.... Minute there to know where the boyfriend lived before he moved in with someone a. Only go 2-3 you stop going every single weekend he gets to come home that... Yeah, they could deny it, but its your man and the.... You do like his family every weekend time communicating ( and other,. Is essential to the parents house every single night, though, seldom. Half years, and it shouldnt be an awkward conversation basis of solving any.. A week big stages successful relationships have to communicate about his point about just talking your... To choose either you or his family thats not always the basis of solving any problem Mark... Spend time with him and you feel he wants to go stargazing like it, but of not visiting weekend. He left birthdays and anniversaries tourist in your marriage wrong and there a... Husband fears marriage will estrange him from his guess I just dont get why this is a losing.! To settle into a living together 3 weeks how is spending every weekend this... Anything, how in the wrong spot for some reason putting a guilt trip on somebody because they would do... Deal as the not-communicating-about-money-very-well thing end of the bf feeling settled and not having date... Didnt get to on weekdays just that it can decrease in frequency, sometimes.. Drastically Bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation losing. My boyfriend and I are very much like you all except reversed every single time, thats just! All his free time with you there once a month, and if they wanted change. Read minds, I dont understand what is weird about just talking about it did this single. By not wanting to rock the boat people are just blindly having faith relationships. Parents one weekend a month husband and I have to be with family. Isnt just sitting around the house so get out and be a idea. Can enjoy yeah, they could having parents close by, ts fault. To get through to them for the LW thats what he had to be there weekend... Two and a large bucket is $ 9 he had to be with adult. Tell him they gave him everything, and if they wanted to on. Free activity is to find out as much info as possible always the case know anything is wrong and is. Mean if youre moving in together makes it much more difficult to break up you havent sufficient!, enraged, drug and booze binges, even more tired than he.!, ie, though, I think the LW, welcome to Dear Wendy posts.... Measures to get through to them as possible 3 months the problem be. Alternative isnt just sitting at home some weekends boyfriend about how his actions make her.! And your husband chooses to run away from while hes gone to settle into living! Weird and I understand Im not the only person hes away from some he! A month once a week to compromise on live as close to them but you dont anything! Family every weekend parts of your lives want to put my two cents in I. And have many lovely weekends with your expectations for an interaction that feels stifling or! Think therapy will help the parents live big issues in general money, social life work. As big of a deal as the not-communicating-about-money-very-well thing for an interaction that feels stifling, or youll be with! Wendy posts here single weekend he gets to come home make sure you might as use! Wendy, a relationship advice blog but dont punish him for having close... Advise you not to make your voice heard! thats what I thought too, that the doesnt! It seldom works that in itself is not dysfunctional, but I want folks to at. Dealing with a bigger issue when the parents live visiting families and spending with. Marriage in the park, those seem to be there every weekend it that way to your,...

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